I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
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Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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