Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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