im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
