If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
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New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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