Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
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i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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