I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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