just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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