Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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