Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think I died a long time ago.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
