I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I want you more than these girls want KFC
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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