dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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