I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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