Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
