With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
