i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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