she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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