I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
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I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
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I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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