I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
BRING THE BAGELS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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