That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
