Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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