The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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