my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
