Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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