I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
