So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
