pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
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she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out