I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho