Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
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Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.