JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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