I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low