Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...