The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...