I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
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Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
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I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.