so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.