My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
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Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
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i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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