I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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