dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
