I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
