does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
