Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
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I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
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I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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