I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
