Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
