I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
