well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need a burrito and a hug.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
