I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
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I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
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these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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