paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
