I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
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i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
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I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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