after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
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You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
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My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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