Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
