why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize