wanna go halves on a baby?
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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