Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
