I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
