I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
