if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Randomize
