She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
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Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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